My Annual Performance Review if I had Rahul Gandhi's Family

My Annual Performance Review if I had Rahul Gandhi’s Family

Written by Dr. Seshadri Kumar, 21 January, 2013

Copyright © Dr. Seshadri Kumar.  All Rights Reserved.

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(I open the door and enter my boss's cabin.  My boss is facing me in his chair.)

Boss:

Come in, Kumar, have a seat.  Let's discuss your performance evaluation.

Me:

Thank you.

Boss:

I'd like to start off by saying that it has been a while since you were in the company.  So this year’s evaluation is a significant performance evaluation – it’s more than an annual evaluation.  So, rather than the usual routine of listing out the previous year's accomplishments, I'd like you to talk about your total experience in the company since you joined.

Me:

Sure, thanks.  Ok, let me start off with my involvement with the young workers group of the company.  I have always asked for more representation of the young rank-and-file workers in the company.

Boss:

Yes, your goals at the time were to bring in more honesty in the workplace and to improve morale by increasing transparency and representation.  Have you met those goals?

Me:

Well...actually, no.  There were many people fired for dishonest practices - people who belonged to the young workers group.  Several people were asked to leave for indulging in corporate bribery and other crimes.

Boss:

So you did not meet the goals.

Me:

That's right.

Boss:

Ok, let's move to the next major goal.  You were trying to win business for our company in a major market where we used to have maximum market share a couple of decades ago and had lost ground.  It was a chance for you to prove your leadership.  How did that go?

Me:

We lost all our contracts in that market.

Boss:

Would you say you failed to meet that goal?

Me:

Unfortunately, yes.

Boss:

Let's get to the next major goal.  In the largest market we are competing with our products in, you promised a game-changer, and said we would eliminate the competition.  How did that work out?

Me:

Uh...uh...we ended up with even lower market share than we had at the time.

Boss:

Would you say that was also a failed expectation?  Another unmet goal?

Me:

I guess so.

Boss:

And coming to the last major goal on your list, you had promised to rally the company’s performance in the western region so that we could neutralize the emerging threat to our company’s existence in India.  What happened there with your marketing blitz?

Me:

We utterly failed to dislodge the threat.  That company is now planning to completely eliminate us in India.

Boss:

What do you think should be your evaluation?

Me:

I guess I haven’t performed to expectations, and need to improve?

Boss:

Wrong!  Quite to the contrary!  You did not mention your biggest accomplishment - you are the son, the grandson, and the great-grandson of past CEOs of this company!!  

In addition, you have tried to boost our company’s business by having dinner at several clients’ homes – especially those belonging to the lower economic and social strata.  

You have made several random speeches around the country on how things should change in the company.  

You have also attacked our competitors by accusing them of unethical practices.  Although the accusations were false and could not be proved, it was still a bold move on your part to make them.  (Our competitors could have been careless.)  

You have even made the inspired suggestion that “improving sales” should be made part of the company’s vision document and that a formal amendment should be proposed in the next board meeting.  

All these moves are bound to bring back sales and restore our company to its past glory.

Hence we are promoting you to second-in-command of the company.  You will be Managing Director with direct charge of Marketing and Sales, effective immediately, reporting only to the chairperson (your mother).

Me:

Thank you, Sir!

Boss:

Congratulations on your new appointment!  I am sure you will continue to do the company proud!

Me:

Thank you very much, Sir!  ...Sir, are you crying?

Boss:

Don’t mind me - these are tears of joy.  And please don’t call me “Sir” any longer.  You are now my boss - Sir!